Over the course of the last year and a half I have come to realize that my father was God’s blessing to me. It’s funny, I didn’t know that or appreciate it until he committed suicide. The last year of his life I did not speak to him due to him cheating on my mother. It is the biggest mistake I ever made and one that I can never apologize for. It was the first time I had to accept that not only did I take him for granted, I was not appreciative of the person who took it upon himself to adopt three kids who were not his own. I was not appreciative of the fact that he provided for me when he did not have to. He did not have to give me his last name. Was he wrong? Yeah, he was for cheating. The thing I learned to accept was I was wrong too for not being able to forgive the person who I looked up to most. I mean, our parents are just usually always there. Usually you would expect them to always be either bugging you to clean your room or to better yourself into becoming a more well-rounded person. Everything that I use to get annoyed over or wish was different, is the same things that I miss each and everything. Every thing has been different ever since the day I found out about his death. It was hard enough having to accept his death, as well as for the first time in my life realizing my actions have consequences, but what scares and hurts the most is realizing that at any moment I may not have my mother around either. Six or so months after my father’s passing my mom was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. The last year of my life has been my own personal hell but now I feel lucky when my mom asks me about my day or to help her out with something (I used to totally hate that question). I like when I am nagged about if I am working hard enough towards my goals or when I am told that i am making a poor decision. One day she will not be here to ask. I feel lucky when I hear her car pulling into the driveway after she gets home from work. I even enjoy when she has her “outbursts” that make no sense to me. I enjoy it because it means she is still around. Still my mom.
I haven’t talked about my feelings with anyone or let anyone know the entire story of the last year and a half of my life. My entire life I never appreciated the things God blessed me with. The thing that makes my mom brave in her cancer battle, and what also made me brave when I was younger, is she doesn’t ask for sympathy or help. Even from her family. My entire life I always was envious of my friends and the materialistic things they had. Even though I grew up comfortably, I always thought I should have gotten more. I was wrong. I realize two things now. First, I am different because I was raised with love and taught to be loyal to those who are there for me. Second, that I could be wrong. That my view or perspective on things is not always right, a majority of the time it is probably wrong. I realized that if it wasn’t for both my father and my mother that I would not be who I am today. That how I was raised was the best “materialistic gift” that I could have ever asked for. It’s has been a tough time in our family since my father killed himself. Not that there’s ever a good time for something as awful and as scary as cancer, but it was sure a bad time for that to occur only six months after. We do not have a lot of money but we are able to get by. Due to a complication in my mother’s cancer, she needs a unique treatment. That is why I am writing this. Not because I want to live out my dream, which is what the money is going to fund, but because I want to know that I was able to do everything that I could in my power to help my mom have a fighting chance no matter what.
Due to my own choices, I was unable to have that opportunity with my father. I do not understand why saving someone’s life costs more than a regular person can pay. Or why usually the best doctors do not accept insurance. One of the reasons my mother has put her radiation treatments on hold is because she does not want to leave us behind with a huge debt. That is the thing about my mother that she blessed me with as well, the ability to be able to care about those we love more than ourselves. Thing is it scares the hell out of me thinking about life without her around. I came to realize that my God-given gift, as well as my outlet through all of this pain, was music. I was able to build my own independent record label, as well as sign four artists. I was able to market and promote their music, due to my ear for what sounds good, to Toronto. I believe that I was put on this Earth to be able to inspire individuals who have felt as low as I did. Through music. The people who keep to themselves and do not let people know their true pain. The people who get low enough that the thought of suicide crosses their mind and it breaks my heart everyday being able to relate to the pain my father was in when he took his life. If I am able to get the financial support to get this business up and running I have no doubt in my mind that it will not only change my families fortunes, it would give my mom more then a fighting chance which is what I want more than anything. For those who know me, they will be the first to tell you money has never meant anything thing to me. The love I have for the people I care about does though and I know I can make it huge in the music industry. As well as being able to support her radiation treatments, I also want to inspire people the way that music inspired me at my lowest point. It is our light not our darkness that scares us. When we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from our own fear,. Our presence automatically liberates others. Music, I just want to say thank you. You saved my life.. – G.